Red Sox Fans: Worse than Yankees FansBy: Sean Pidgeon
Yankees fans are easy to spot. Visit Yankee stadium, and you can count on seeing scores of overweight middle-aged men with Jeter jerseys and handlebar mustaches and a giant sausage sandwich or kielbasa in hand that might put them over the edge of their next coronary (if Super Mario weren’t so awesome, he’d probably be a Yankees fan). Your average Yankees fan is a grown man who refuses to give up the “ey” at the end of his first name and not only would let Jeter sleep with his girlfriend, but would high five him while it happened. And he probably thinks Thurman Munson and Don Mattingly belong in the Hall of Fame, too. But as horrible as Yankees fans are, Boston Red Sox fans are rapidly becoming the most annoying and pathetic in baseball.
Yes, Red Sox fans are the new Yankees fans, but even worse. Joey from the Bronx and Jimmy from Queens don’t have shit on Sully from Southie and Tommy (Tawww-me) from Woostuh. At least the Yankees have been winning since before Babe Ruth got fat; non-Yankees fans only have to put up with straightforward boasting. But the Red Sox just started winning in 2004 after an 86-year drought. This allows them to brag about winning while still claiming moral superiority because of all their years of suffering, as if decades of Red Sox suckitude somehow makes them more noble or poetic than the fans of all the other teams that suck. The only thing worse than hearing about some douchebag whine about his team always losing is seeing that jackass brag after his team finally wins. It’s like those hot Hollywood actresses who like to say they were geeks in high school.
Yankees fans are simple to understand (and not just because their average IQ is 84). They like to root for a team that wins. That’s it (plus they have secretly homoerotic man crushes on Derek Jeter)! Red Sox fans are a little bit more complicated. Rooting for the Red Sox is like buying a Mac or a Prius. Sure, the Red Sox are a good team. Sure, Macs are probably better than PCs. And, sure, a Prius runs better than other cars. But no one owns a Mac or Prius for utility. It’s a way to show that you’re hip and better than everyone else. I mean, Sox fans are so pretentious they call themselves Red Sox Nation.
But, hey, who am I to judge? Congratulations Red Sox Nation! Your token celebrity fan is Ben Affleck. Your sister slept with at least five of your friends. And you cheer for the last team to integrate. Seriously, you didn’t sign an African-American player until 1959, three years after Jackie Robinson retired (at least in the south they have the common courtesy to be open about their racism, rather than muttering under their breath about “those-uh dah-kies who ah-uh bussed into ow-uh schools”).
And that is it for this research-free and stereotype-filled rant. And, yeah, I stole the last two jokes in my opening paragraph from Bill Simmons, but that’s okay. He’s only a Red Sox fan.