March has sprung into April, teams have headed north from the sour Grapefruit and prickly Cactus Leagues, and a new season is upon us. That’s right, folks, it’s time for my 2011 Major League Baseball preview. It’s always exciting to know that baseball is guaranteed to get another World Series Champion, unless of course the San Francisco Giants repeat. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t open with a mention of Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz at the Super Bowl, feeding each other popcorn. Now that was HI-larious.

Did you know that Joe Buck, my partner, the man standing piously beside me, is the only announcer in the world to see ARod eating popcorn from Cameron Diaz and fastballs from Brad Penny? It’s true! He’s unique. It’s probably why he was a Twitter trending topic during Saturday’s FOX Saturday baseball game. He hasn’t had a moment this big since he shit his pants after Randy Moss’ fake mooning.

Oh did I tell you about my partner down on the field Ken Rosenthal? Ken’s doing a good impression of Charles Osgood. Get it? He’s wearing a bowtie. (Look how cultured I am for watching CBS Sunday Morning, the closest network television ever comes to PBS. And speaking of bowties, there’s no way I’m mentioning that blue jean hating, “look at me slumming it and writing about baseball,” George Will.)

During Saturday’s telecast I mentioned that just five players have reached the 3000 hit club playing for one team. They’re all Hall of Famers, of course. Derek Jeter will be the sixth. And best.

Oh, what’s that? Some people are saying Jeter will be the 10^th guy to get 3000 all with one team? Or that Jeter will only be the 14^th to get 3000 with his first team? Stop it! Jeter will be the sixth! I don’t care what all those guys in their mothers’ basements say. As lead baseball broadcaster in America, I have the right to not do a simple Google search before I speak authoritatively.

And that Austin Jackson on the Tigers. Oh what a player! Two from the field. One if by sea, two from the field. I’m the Paul Revere of baseball announcing. What the heck am I talking about? Oh that’s right, Austin Jackson, coming off a great rookie season. The last time a Detroit rookie scored that many runs, it was 1939, and Ted Williams was a rookie in the American League, not just a disembodied head in a jar.

Oh I talked to Hall of Famer Jim Palmer the other day. He told me something striking. It’s the most profound insight I’ve ever heard. He says one thing pitchers try not to be is a carousel on the mound. They try to be a Ferris Wheel. Tune in next week to FOX Saturday Baseball and listen to me over explain.

First guessing every play is getting old. So, yes, my knew shtick this season is going to be name dropping old baseball guys I talk to and sharing their anecdotes as if it’s groundbreaking knowledge. And Charles Osgood bowtie references!

Oh, I forgot to make my 2011 season predictions. Here goes:

NL East – Phillies

NL Central – Reds

NL West – Giants

MVP – Pujols

AL East – Yankees

AL Central – White Sox

AL West – Rangers

MVP – Jeter♥

Best Smile – Jeff Francoeur

Grittiest – David Eckstein

And, of course, I predict the Yankees will win the World Series thanks to the intangible drive of Derek Jeter, who will become the 6^th (10^th?) (14^th?) player to get 3000 hits with one team as he continues his drive to become my most beloved player ever.

Tim McCarver is a former Major League baseball catcher, and a current sportscaster for Fox Sports. During the off-season he resides in Maine, where plays the open mic every Wednesday at Roscoe’s Rocking Railroad Buffet, where it’s “all-aboard” for reasonably priced entertainment.